Alright. I’m warning you all in advance. This post makes it sound a little bit like I’ve gone off the deep end. That’s my early disclaimer. You’ve been warned.
I didn’t grow up in church. Matter of fact, I didn’t come to have a relationship with Christ until I was an adult. I can vividly remember going to church every once in a while with my aunt when I was a kid and being more that a little intimidated by those people who were obviously sold out Christians. They quoted God’s word. They prayed loud and proud. They praised unashamedly. Their lives were obviously different. I can’t even put my finger on it, but something about them was obviously different. It was totally weird to me and a little scary.
Even after I had come to know Christ in my 20’s, that fully sold out approach to believing was a little strange to me. I loved Jesus and was so thankful that He bore my sin and shame. I gladly accepted His gift of salvation and did my best to repent and turn from sin. I made some major changes to my life because I wanted to please my Heavenly Father. But still. Those fully sold out Christians weirded me out a little. I wanted to love Jesus, but maybe not with everything I had. I wanted to be set apart, but maybe not really far apart. I didn’t want to just go totally off the deep end!
It has been roughly 14 years since I became a Christian. And can I be really honest, here? Up until recently (like really recently), those all in Christians still kind of weirded me out. They intimidated me. I just could not grasp how they could just live and love and praise and pray like they did. It was uninhibited and bold.
But then something strange happened. Maybe it’s the time that I’ve spent in my Bible lately. As strange as it sounds, I’ve fallen head over heels in love with God’s word. He draws me to it like a magnet. Maybe it’s the amazing Sisters in Christ he has placed in my life who help point me to Him. Maybe it’s the books that some of these friends have recommended. Maybe it’s the time I’ve been able to spend engaged in small groups and in Church. Maybe it is the powerful messages of healing and love from the retreat I attended this weekend. Maybe it is that He has been at work in my heart for a very long time. Maybe it’s the community (real life and on line) that I’m beyond blessed to be a part of. Maybe it is that I’m finally getting out of my own way. I’m not even sure exactly what the catalyst was that brought about the change, but I think I’m becoming one of them! AND IT REALLY WEIRDS ME OUT!
What is even weirder though, is that it doesn’t really scare me anymore. Strike that. That’s not entirely true. It doesn’t scare me, but not as much as it use to. It still scares me a little, but instead of seeing it as weird, I see it as absolutely beautiful. And, oddly enough, I’m kind of excited about going off the deep end.
I can feel God calling me to go all in. I can feel Him asking me to just close my eyes and not be afraid to jump off of the deep end. Have you felt that? (Please tell me I’m not the only one because then I’d have to really wonder if I am, in fact, a little weird.😉)
I can feel His tugging on my heart to fully commit to the life He has called me to. I can feel His urging me to turn over the things that I’ve been hesitant to let go of. He wants those things that I’ve held on to a little too tightly because it might be a little uncomfortable to let them go. He is calling me to give him the hurt from my past, my stored up pain, my heart that’s been broken and mended, my time that I want to keep for myself, my present and the things I give myself to, my future and my plans. Really, I can feel Him asking for my all. And even though it may seem a little like going off the deep end, I’m going to just willingly hand it over.
Because, I’ve not really done a great job managing those things all by myself. Matter of fact, I’m kind of a hot mess. If you get a grade for trying, then I’m an A+ student. However, as far as performance goes, I’m more than a little lacking. I still let my past tangle me up. I still let this tattered heart lead me in more decisions than it should. I still guard my time and my plans like they are my own to control. I still cling to my own visions for my future. And that’s ok. Because God works at His own pace in each of our lives. Obviously, He knows I’m a slow learner and more than a little stubborn since I’m still very much a work in progress after 14 years. That’s what grace and mercy are for. So, as much as possible, I’m going to get out of the way and let Him have control.
Are you there too? Are you feeling Him lead you just a little out of your comfort zone? Is He calling you to step out of the norm?
It’s ok. Just jump with me. He’s trustworthy. He’s faithful. He’s good. He’s true. He’s strong and powerful and Holy. He loves us. He has plans for us. He’s big enough to catch us. He’s great enough to lead us. He won’t fail us. He’s got this even if we don’t.
So, weird or not, I’m going all in. See you in the deep end!
Love and blessings,